When a child hits, screams, runs, refuses or destroys, the instinctive question is how do I stop this behaviour? A more powerful question is what is this behaviour telling me? Behaviour is communication. Every action, especially from a child who cannot yet find the words, carries a message about a need, a feeling or an experience. Learning to read that message changes everything.
From "naughty" to "needs something"
Labels like naughty, defiant or attention seeking describe behaviour from the outside and quietly blame the child. Reframing behaviour as communication moves us from judgement to curiosity. A child who is attention seeking is usually connection needing. A child who refuses is often a child who is overwhelmed, anxious or protecting themselves the only way they know how. Children do well when they can. When they are not doing well, something is in the way.
The iceberg: what sits underneath behaviour
Think of behaviour as the tip of an iceberg. Above the waterline is what we see: the shout, the slammed door, the refusal. Below the waterline sits everything driving it: sensory overload, anxiety, unmet needs, communication differences, pain, hunger, exhaustion, past experiences and skills that have not yet developed. Responding only to the tip while ignoring the rest is why so many behaviour strategies fail.
What might the behaviour be saying?
Behaviours of concern usually serve one or more of these functions:
- This is too much. Sensory overload or demand overload, and the behaviour is escape or protest.
- I need something. Hunger, thirst, tiredness, pain or discomfort a child cannot name.
- I need you. Connection, reassurance and co-regulation, especially after a long day of holding it together.
- I am scared or anxious. Uncertainty, transitions and new situations often come out as anger, because anger feels safer than fear.
- I do not yet have the skill. Emotional regulation, flexibility and communication are developmental skills, and gaps show up as behaviour.
Get curious: the STAR approach
One practical way to decode behaviour is to record incidents using STAR: Setting (where, when, who, what was happening), Trigger (what happened just before), Action (exactly what the child did) and Response (what happened next). After a handful of entries, patterns almost always appear. The behaviour that looked random turns out to happen at 4pm, after school, when demands are placed before a snack. Now you have something you can actually change.
Responding when it happens
In the moment, remember the order: regulate, relate, reason. First help the child's nervous system calm, using presence, fewer words and reduced sensory input. Then reconnect so they feel safe with you. Only then, and often much later, talk about what happened. A dysregulated child cannot learn a lesson, no matter how well it is delivered.
Why punishment often backfires
Punishment can suppress a behaviour without ever meeting the need underneath it, which means the need finds another outlet, often a more worrying one. Worse, punishing distress teaches children to hide their struggles rather than bring them to us. This does not mean no boundaries. It means boundaries held with warmth, alongside genuine curiosity about what the behaviour was trying to say.
Changing the environment, not the child
Once you understand the message, support usually means adjusting the world around the child: lowering demands at pinch points, adding predictability, meeting sensory needs, pre-warning transitions and teaching missing skills gently over time. When the need is met, the behaviour that carried it is simply no longer required.
Frequently asked questions
Does "behaviour is communication" mean anything goes?
No. Children still need safe, consistent boundaries. The shift is in how we interpret and respond to behaviour, not whether we respond at all.
What are behaviours of concern?
Behaviours of concern (sometimes called distressed behaviours) are actions that put the child or others at risk or significantly affect daily life, such as aggression, self injury or absconding. The term deliberately avoids blaming language like challenging behaviour.
My child only behaves this way at home. Why?
Home is where children feel safest, so home is where the mask comes off. Difficult evenings after calm school days usually signal a child working extremely hard all day, not a parenting problem.